Back in the two week wait & hoping for an early Christmas present

So I’m in the TWW again.  3 dpo today.  I’m feeling fairly relaxed about it all and the wait of 10 days doesn’t feel as long as it has done in the past.  I’m hoping that we’ll have an early Christmas present of that special second line on a pregnancy test.

As we enter the festive season I can’t help thinking that this would have been our first angel’s first Christmas.  Back in February of this year we had so many hopes and plans for this year.  I would have been off work right now and preparing for our first family Christmas.  How different things turned out to be.  I will still be a family Christmas, just a different kind. It will be great to be around my family and my husband’s family, I always enjoy their company, but for me it will feel like someone is missing.  Especially with all the neices and nephews running around.  I wonder if anyone else will feel like this, in our families?  That someone should be with us and they’re not.  I have a feeling that it won’t have crossed most people minds.  Not because they don’t care or aren’t sensitive to everything that has happened, but unless its happened to you I don’t think it would cross your mind.  I know that it’s not something I would thought about before we lost our babies.  But for me, at least, I will feel that someone, our angel, is missed.  I’m not sure that being pregnant would even lessen that feeling.  I thought for a long time that being pregnant would ease the pain and emptiness, but now I’m not so sure.  I think I will always miss our angel, I don’t think its something that will go away.

I’m going to take my thoughts and fears about Christmas and box them away for a couple of weeks though as I need to keep that PMA going.  I keep dreaming of babies and sometime when I close my eyes I see a baby’s face in the lights behind my eyes.  This is going to be our month.  Bring on the August baby!

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