Last weekend marked a year since I heard those crushing words “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat”. I was so sad, so much has happened in the last year so little seems to have changed. I remember the pain and despair that I was feeling this time last year and thought I would never get over it. But I slowly started getting on with life again, looking forward to the future and being positive that things would be alright and work out for us soon. If anyone had told me then that I would have to go through it another 2 times and that I still wouldn’t be a mother or even pregnant by the time this first “anniversary” came around I wouldn’t have believed them.
It’s not as if we know why it keeps happening. All the blood tests so far have come back normal. All the scans show things look fine. That coupled with the fact that I still seem to have issues concieving in the first place makes things so much harder to deal with. I know that I musn’t lose hope and that I must try to stay positive, but it can be so difficult.
My fertility specialist tells me that statistically I’m in the best ‘group’. The fact that they can’t find anything wrong means that I stand a better chance of having a happy and healthy pregnancy. Emotionally and psycologically though I think it would be easier to deal with things if there were something wrong. At least if you know what’s wrong you can fix it. That’s what your brain tells you anyway.
On Monday I had blood tests done to test my NKCs (Natural Killer Cells – See my posts re Mr. Shahata). Next week I have an appointment with Mr. Rai who runs the miscarriage clinic at St. Mary’s. I’m hoping that he will be able to shed some light on what’s been happening and how to stop it happening again in the future.
I know that my husband and I have more answers than now than we did this time last year, but it doesn’t change the fact that we still don’t know what’s wrong or what keeps going wrong.
Every morning I see a white feather on my way to work. Its a different feather in a different place and I see it as a sign from my angel that I just have to be patient and keep hoping.