My Story

In January 2009 I found out I was pregnant.  It was a surprise, not because we weren’t trying, but because we’d been told I would need help to conceive.  We were so excited and so happy.  Because of a few worries the Dr had, I had a scan at 6 weeks and another one at 8 weeks.  At the 8 week scan we saw the heartbeat.  I was flooded with relief and happiness and cried instantly.

At 11 weeks, I had a small bleed and went to A&E.  They did blood tests etc and said that everything looked fine, but they booked me in for another scan just in case. At the next scan my world fell apart.  I will never forget the moment the sonographer looked at me and said “I’m sorry, but there’s no heartbeat”.

I never thought it would be possible to feel so much pain.  My heart felt like it would explode with grief.  The most overwhelming feeling, though,  was desperation.  Desperation to conceive again as soon as possible.  To be pregnant again.  I wanted to fill the physical and emotional void.

In June 2009 I found out I was pregnant again whilst on holiday in France.  I did 7 tests just to make sure.  I was so scared.  I almost ignored it because I thought if I didn’t get attached and I miscarried again then it wouldn’t hurt so much.  On the last morning of the holiday, as we prepared to drive 10 hours across France home, I started to bleed.  It devastated me more than I could have imagined.  Just as much as the first time, if not more.  It didn’t make any sense, it seemed so very unfair.

We started on Clomid in September 2009 and on the 5th Cycle were successful. Sadly though at 5 weeks I started bleeding and we lost the baby. I felt lost. It felt like we’d tried everything and I just didn’t know what to do next.

My fertility specialist referred me to his colleague Mr. Rai who is a miscarriage specialist. He did a whole load of tests and we found out that I tested positive for lupus anticoagulant. It is an autoimmune disorder that attacks the developing placenta thereby causing the pregnancy to fail. It can be quite successfully treated with Heparin and aspirin until 34 weeks. It was an amazing feeling to finally have an answer and to know that there was something we could do about it.

In May 2010 I found out I was pregnant again.  Although it wasn’t a straight forward pregnancy and we had our scares we finally had our rainbow baby, Lili.

Sadly in November 2011 my marriage ended.  After rebuilding my life and meeting someone new I fell pregnant in April 2013.  Sadly at 5 weeks the pregnancy ended in another miscarriage. It hadn’t been an expected pregnancy, although it was wanted.

I fell pregnant again straight away.  We had a private scan at 10 weeks and everything looked fine.  I chose UCLH as my carer and was booked in for numerous consultant appointments, scans and assessments.  Despite 3 scans, and almost weekly check ups I sadly lost the baby at 15 weeks.  We are still coming to terms with the loss.  It was devastating news having seen it so active on the scans.

I hadn’t sensed anything was wrong.  There were no signs.  It was only by chance that I had an extra scan on the day I went in to the hospital.  I never thought I’d have to hear those terrible words again, but it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat. It has been a truly devastating time.

The subject of Miscarriage, still birth and neonatal death is such a taboo subject.  People who have lost a baby often feel they shouldn’t tell people about it.  We would tell people if we lost an arm or an aunt, why not a baby?  People don’t know what to say to someone who has just suffered a loss.  Acknowledgement of the loss  by others is often all that is wanted and needed.


8 responses to “My Story

  1. Hello Jessica,

    Thank you for following us on Twitter; we’re following you now, too.

    Personally, I have also heard a sonographer say those horrible, shocking, shattering words, “I can’t find the heartbeat”. I’ll never, ever forget that.

    And I, too, lost two angels in one year. A little one on Aug. 30 2005, and his or her younger sibling on Dec. 11, 2005. It’s almost eerie — and at the same time, so tragic — how similar we are in this respect. We also share such a passion to inform and raise awareness.

    And I think it’s VERY cool that you did a concert!

    Please tell me: are you in London, England or in London, Canada?

    Breaking news!! Just on Oct. 22, 2009 the Legislature of NSW (Australia’s most populous state) reached a unanimous decision for their government to consider formally declaring Oct. 15 here — a first in Australia! They are also going to lobby the Federal government to do likewise. I have two great MPs here (State and Federal) who have been supporting PILARI’s lobbying for this, since June 2008. I’m preparing an article for this on our site, and will “tweet” about it.

    Jessica, we look forward to exploring your website further, and to receiving your “tweets”.

    Nicole Ballinger
    Volunteer Member of PILARI

  2. Thanks for starting this blog and sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your losses.

    We’re starting Clomid soon. Fingers crossed.

  3. I just started my own blog about this same subject. I had three losses in one year. We’re going to a specialist later this month.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your losses.

  4. Hello Jessica,
    I love your blog and really look forward to supporting you with the event in October.
    I lost my first and only baby James 2 years ago this month. AT the 20 week scan the dreaded words “i’m so sorry but there is something very seriously wrong with your baby’s brain.” splintered my heart into a million pieces. My partner and I had to make a decision about the future of our 23 week old baby who was faced with a life of no vision, no hearing, no mobility and no ablility to learn. We made the heart breaking decision to free his spirit and chose to carry the pain and anguish ourselves so he didn’t have to suffer. Like you, i needed to do something to break the silence on baby losses of all kinds. So i set up Aching Arms along with other bereaved mothers because my arms really did ache. I yearned to hold my baby son – I still do. Through helping others i have found some peace with my loss, but as you know, it never leaves you. Please let me know what i can do to help shout from the roof tops of the impact baby loss has on a mother, father, family and friends.
    Finally, I want to send you my sorrow for your losses and admiration for what you are doing.
    Best wishes,

  5. Archersbabe

    Am finding other people’s blogs useful to know I am not alone and there are people who have experienced losses like me. I also started to write a blog about my experiences to raise awareness and I have found it therapeutic at the same time. My blog is at

    My thoughts are with you all xxx

  6. Philippa

    Hi Jessica and everyone else
    It is comforting to hear other people’s stories, however tragic and sad and to know that you are not alone. My little boy, Luke Orion, arrived early at just over 24 weeks, he fought hard against things the doctors couldn’t diagnose. I arrived at his cot one morning to see it surrounded by nurses, doctors, surgeons and who knows. I knew at that moment, we would have to say good bye. Orignially, he was one of three. We lost the identical twins earlier in the pregnancy. Because of this, I always told him, that if he had to be with his twins, we’d let him go. He is now with his twins, and holding him as he took his last breaths was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
    Talking about him is hard. Not because I don’t want to tell everyone about our amazing boy, but because of the fear of upsetting others and also losing the fragile control I have on my emotions when I talk about Luke.
    I’m getting better, but am dreading this Christmas. Luke arrived the week before Christmas and died a week into the New Year. His older sister will be three this New Year’s Day. We need to keep Christmas and her Birthday special for her, luckily last year she was too young. But it is so hard.
    Thanks for listening.
    I sometimes think to write a blog, but that too is hard.
    Sending you all hugs and hopes for positive pregnancies and healthy babies in future.
    Take care

  7. Jing

    Hi Jessica, I was keep crying when reading your story. I just lost a baby when he/she turned into 7 weeks. From extremly exciting to extremely sad within less than 3 weeks. All the lovely baby posters were removed from the wall. I continously blame myself. I even kept asking God why being so crude to me. After reading your story, I felt much better now. And realise I am not alone. I won’t give up. I am planning to see Chinese traditional doctor and build up my body system. God don’t give us this baby must has HIS reason. I believe we will have a healthy and beautiful baby soon.
    Please take care, GOD will bless all of us,

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