In January 2009 I found out I was pregnant. It was a surprise, not because we weren’t trying, but because we’d been told I would need help to conceive. We were so excited and so happy. Because of a few worries the Dr had, I had a scan at 6 weeks and another one at 8 weeks. At the 8 week scan we saw the heartbeat. I was flooded with relief and happiness and cried instantly.
At 11 weeks, I had a small bleed and went to A&E. They did blood tests etc and said that everything looked fine, but they booked me in for another scan just in case. At the next scan my world fell apart. I will never forget the moment the sonographer looked at me and said “I’m sorry, but there’s no heartbeat”.
I never thought it would be possible to feel so much pain. My heart felt like it would explode with grief. The most overwhelming feeling, though, was desperation. Desperation to conceive again as soon as possible. To be pregnant again. I wanted to fill the physical and emotional void.
In June 2009 I found out I was pregnant again whilst on holiday in France. I did 7 tests just to make sure. I was so scared. I almost ignored it because I thought if I didn’t get attached and I miscarried again then it wouldn’t hurt so much. On the last morning of the holiday, as we prepared to drive 10 hours across France home, I started to bleed. It devastated me more than I could have imagined. Just as much as the first time, if not more. It didn’t make any sense, it seemed so very unfair.
We started on Clomid in September 2009 and on the 5th Cycle were successful. Sadly though at 5 weeks I started bleeding and we lost the baby. I felt lost. It felt like we’d tried everything and I just didn’t know what to do next.
My fertility specialist referred me to his colleague Mr. Rai who is a miscarriage specialist. He did a whole load of tests and we found out that I tested positive for lupus anticoagulant. It is an autoimmune disorder that attacks the developing placenta thereby causing the pregnancy to fail. It can be quite successfully treated with Heparin and aspirin until 34 weeks. It was an amazing feeling to finally have an answer and to know that there was something we could do about it.
In May 2010 I found out I was pregnant again. Although it wasn’t a straight forward pregnancy and we had our scares we finally had our rainbow baby, Lili.
Sadly in November 2011 my marriage ended. After rebuilding my life and meeting someone new I fell pregnant in April 2013. Sadly at 5 weeks the pregnancy ended in another miscarriage. It hadn’t been an expected pregnancy, although it was wanted.
I fell pregnant again straight away. We had a private scan at 10 weeks and everything looked fine. I chose UCLH as my carer and was booked in for numerous consultant appointments, scans and assessments. Despite 3 scans, and almost weekly check ups I sadly lost the baby at 15 weeks. We are still coming to terms with the loss. It was devastating news having seen it so active on the scans.
I hadn’t sensed anything was wrong. There were no signs. It was only by chance that I had an extra scan on the day I went in to the hospital. I never thought I’d have to hear those terrible words again, but it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat. It has been a truly devastating time.
The subject of Miscarriage, still birth and neonatal death is such a taboo subject. People who have lost a baby often feel they shouldn’t tell people about it. We would tell people if we lost an arm or an aunt, why not a baby? People don’t know what to say to someone who has just suffered a loss. Acknowledgement of the loss by others is often all that is wanted and needed.